Did God leave me? Why can't I hear him? He must've left because I would've heard him? It couldn't be that I'm not listening, that I've wandered off, that's crazy talk.
Say something, anything, I'm listening now. Talk to me now. You must not be there. I'll try to contact you again when I feel this way again. I guess I'll go back to how I was living, distant from you, not trying to further your Kingdom. Trying to pursue my own interests, my goals, my dreams, it's all mine.
What have you done for me lately? You took away dad's job months after getting it. You took away my scholarship to the place I wanted to be more than anywhere this summer, making me wonder if I'd make it back here. I told you I would praise you no matter what happened, I wasn't lying, but I haven't done much praising have I?
It gets harder to praise you when my plans aren't going my way. Me me me, thats all I care about isn't it? Not what you have done for me throughout all of this, your plans for me, your goals for me, the people you want me to be with and love on, to serve. I've truly been a shitty servant to you because I haven't been trusting you. Maybe if I ever get a tattoo I can print that on my back "Failure of a servant."
Not once have I thought about how you are using each of these situations in my life? Making me more dependent on you instead of thinking I can do everything. Knowing you are really there, even thought I can't hear you, when we both know the truth is I'm not listening to you speak. You are always talking, but I'm not listening, I've been too busy playing nhl, doing homework, watching tv, on the computer, and everything else in between, except doing the things you want me to do.
And all of this falls into place in this thing we call life. Except, You gave me life, not the games or the music I play. You created me for a purpose, and its not to spend every moment of spare time watching tv. You made me in Your image, and I'm destroying that temple with my thoughts and behaviors.
I say you are my all, my life, but actions don't back up my words. For too long I've been ignoring you, but no longer. For too long, I've decided not to act when I do listen, no longer. You are here, with me forever and always. And forever and always, I will be with you. On earth, in Heaven; my focus, priority, and mission will be to make You Famous. The good kind of Famous. Famous with a capital F. Loving You and Others as a servant. A servant-leader at some point, but first and always first, a servant.
You are here with me. Through the tough times, the good times, the mourning, the rejoicing, the pain, the joy, the despair, the peace, the happiness. You are here with me, and I'm going to listen better.
I surrender the control I've been holding onto. I surrender the worries I have about being a servant-leader for RUF and our campus. I surrender the dreams I have for myself, personal, relational, occupational, spiritual. I surrender my life to You. And from now on, I'm going to live that way.
I don't know anything about you.
ReplyDeleteBut you should try to take this, all of this, the whole damn blog,
and channel it into something creative. Don't talk at people. Don't smear your feelings on a wall and hope someone will listen.
Tell a story, through writing, or design, or music, or anything, and people will listen.
Trust me. It will make you feel better.